


I Feel Nothing

by kingofantiva



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Angst, Antivan Crows, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Zevran Arainai, Short One Shot, Zevran Arainai Backstory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:48:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27198736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kingofantiva/pseuds/kingofantiva
Summary: These violent delights have violent ends.On the night of Rinna's death, Taliesen tries to comfort Zevran. But what's done cannot be undone.
Relationships: Zevran Arainai/Taliesen
Kudos: 7





	I Feel Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> yeah that's right, we're going with edgy titles now
> 
> *evanescence plays softly*

The streets were colder that night than they had been all Harvestmere. The usual weekend parties around the Arainai estate were few and far between that evening, save perhaps the odd round of Wicked Grace. 

Taliesen lay next to Zevran on the bed, watching the moonlight cast dark shadows onto the back wall of the room. The basin in the corner was still filled with blood, though neither had made an effort to finish cleaning the shirt that was now marinading in it. 

Seven times had Taliesen washed his hands that evening, yet Zevran still flinched when they touched his skin. 

“Don’t,” said Zevran. His voice was tired. Taliesen pulled his hand back from Zevran’s shoulder as if he had touched hot coals. It had been an hour since their return from Eoman’s test, but all they had done was lie together in silence, unable to sleep and unable to find the right words to say. 

Zevran’s apartment was filled with Rinna’s belongings - she and Taliesen stayed there whenever Zevran was in the mood for socialising. Apart from the days Zevran wished to be alone, his apartment was a home for three, and it had been that way for quite some time. The cupboards were filled with all of their clothes and jewellery, weapons and supplies. 

Rinna’s perfume. 

It was often a dreadful mess, but all the clutter had its own memory, its own story, and before tonight they each looked upon these things fondly. The apartment was their sanctuary, a place away from work, to play cards and to drink, to make love until the sun came up. 

Everything reminded them of her. 

“Can I at least light a candle now?” asked Taliesen. 

“No.” Zevran’s voice was firm. He could not bear to look at any of it. 

With a frustrated sigh, Taliesen sat up and moved to the end of the bed, staring at the basin. “We had no choice,” he said. 

“We did.” 

“When have we ever had a choice? It was a test. We had to do it.” 

“We have always had a choice.” 

“And some choices are better than others, Zev. Everything we did was to survive. If you want to throw in the towel now then so be it.” 

When Taliesen got up to leave, Zevran felt a pang of dread surge throughout his body. His heart began to pound in his chest and the room felt unbearably cold. 

“Don’t go,” said Zevran. His voice cracked and Taliesen shuffled to a halt in the open doorway. The corridor outside echoed with the laughter of their comrades, who were busy drinking away a long week of work. 

Taliesen clenched his jaw. He thought perhaps Eoman was right, that perhaps Zevran’s priorities were not where they should be. He knew something was off, but he could not bear to leave him this way. 

The door clicked shut and Taliesen slid back into bed without a word. 

“I didn’t want it to end this way either,” he said eventually, wrapping his arm around Zevran from behind. This time, Zevran did not flinch. 

“If you were asked to kill me, would you do it?” Zevran asked suddenly. 

The words hung in the air for a long time as Taliesen considered his words. 

“I wouldn’t be happy about it, but...” he began. 

“Then what is the point? Of any of this?” 

“There is none. But a pointless life does not mean a joyless life. I like spending it with you.” 

“So that’s it? Your only ambition is to survive?” 

“Yes,” said Taliesen. For a long time Zevran said nothing, and Taliesen could not work out whether his answer had been acceptable to him. 

Hostility was not what Taliesen wanted – and although he disagreed with Zevran’s all-or-nothing approach to life, the last thing he wanted was to create a rift between them. Not after everything they had been through. And especially not now. Taliesen wanted to be with him for as long as House Arainai would allow it. 

“Please,” said Taliesen, gently squeezing Zevran’s shoulder. “We need to talk about this. It doesn’t matter when, but you _need_ to work through this. These feelings you have, you cannot let them fester. I know you loved her-” 

“Stop,” Zevran said. Taliesen’s words only sounded like noise to him. 

“At least promise me you’ll work through this. You have a lot of talent – I don’t want you to throw it all away for feelings you can control.” 

“But I don’t feel anything anymore. There is nothing to work through.” 

“But-” 

“Taliesen,” said Zevran, his tone warning him not to press the issue further. 

“I’m sorry... I- I just want you to feel better.”

“ _I feel nothing_.” 


End file.
